Some parents do not deserve forgiveness. Consequently, not everyone enjoys Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Maybe you are one of them. Would it make a difference if I told you that when you forgive your parents you will heal yourself?
But how does a person forgive parents when they don’t deserve it? I am glad you asked. Please keep reading as I want to show you how.
Accept your parents for who they are
Let me just say right out of the gate that accepting is not the same as being best friends.
Unfortunately, parents are not perfect. Yours may take the trophy for imperfection. As much as you may wish things were different, you can’t change the past. Often the things that parents do are learned from their parents. It can be a cycle that repeats itself generation after generation.
The absent parent
Parents can be physically or emotionally absent. Either way, children grow up wondering what is wrong with themselves that mom or dad was not there for them. Examples of an absent parent include:
- one of your parents abandoned the family
- your mother gave you up for adoption
- your family went through a rough divorce
- a parent was totally tied up in work or personal interests
- a parent commits suicide
- a parent is intoxicated most of the time
Regardless of what you may have heard, children are hardwired by God to have two parents that have different strengths and skills. From these differences, all the needs of a child can be met.
The abusive or neglectful parent
Abuse and neglect are close cousins. Both result in harm to a child in multiple ways according to the Mayo Clinic. There are many causes of child abuse, including these three:
- A history of being abused or neglected as a child
- Physical or mental illness, such as depression or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
- Alcohol and substance abuse
I am not making excuses for an abusive or neglectful parent. Child abuse is wrong. However, sometimes the parent is overwhelmed with their own issues and lacks adequate parenting skills. Child abuse often perpetuates itself from one generation to the next.
Try to understand what caused your parent to be abusive. Then determine to break the cycle and not pass it on to your own children. Forgiveness is where you need to begin.
What does the Bible say about forgiving your parents?
You may be wondering if it is a sin not to forgive your parents. What if I were to tell you that forgiveness has nothing to do with your parents? Does that sound crazy? But would it make the process seem possible?
The Bible has a lot to say about forgiveness, but I want to focus on just one verse.
“Vengeance is mine, says the Lord, I will repay.” Romans 12:19 ESV
Do we really need to make sure that our parents are punished for what they did? When we don’t forgive we are trying to take vengeance into our own hands. Unforgiveness is a heavy burden for anyone to have to carry. We need to give ourselves a break by letting God take care of it. Justice will eventually be served.
How to forgive your parents for their mistakes
Many people don’t want to forgive their parents because they believe a lie.
What is that lie? Believing that forgiveness means you have to be friends. Sometimes a friendship will form, but usually, it does not. In the case of abusive parents, it is best that you not be friends if you could end up being harmed.
There are other lies that people frequently believe. Just be assured that forgiveness has nothing to do with your parents. It has to do with you and your healing. So how do you forgive an undeserving father or mother?
1. Stop being resentful
Right now you may be asking, “how is that actually done?”
As adults, we are physically no longer victims of our parents. However, we must decide not to be emotional victims either. We must not depend on them to validate our value and worth. We must choose to not be the child in that relationship any longer. We have a Heavenly Father who wants to take our hurt and disappointment and be a “Father to the fatherless” (Psalm 68:5).
I especially like this quote from Ann Voskamp:
“Drop your cares at God’s feet, not only because He cares for you (1 Peter 5:7) but because you need a place to set them down before bitterness takes root.” (From the weekly gratitude project)
2. Write a letter of forgiveness but don’t send it
This step is especially helpful in forgiving a dead parent. It also has great value for any injustice that you experienced from one or both of your living parents.
The purpose of this letter is not to blame. It is to zero in on how your parent’s actions affected you. In almost every case of resentment, anger, and bitterness, the initial feeling was hurt. This pain can feel like things are out of control. Anger, on the other hand, feels less vulnerable and that is often what we experience next. Anger then grows into resentment and bitterness if we aren’t careful.
Writing a letter also relieves you of any face-to-face confrontation. So what should you write? Here is an example.
I wish we could have had a really great relationship when I was growing up. Every kid wants that. As a parent, your attention and love were all I ever wanted. Even now I wish that was possible. I have cried many tears over this desire.
I wanted so much for you to read me bedtime stories and come to my school programs as other kid’s parents did. And on the days when grown-ups took their daughters to work, I was one of the few left at school. I wanted you to be my hero and that never happened.
Even though it is hard, I am choosing to forgive you in order that my emotions can heal and I can move on. I will pray that whatever caused you to leave us will be healed in your life also. I will commit you to God and let Him speak to you in His own way.
Feeling sad, your child
3. Get physical
Unforgiveness not only affects our emotions but also affects our bodies. Those toxic chemicals need to be burned up. That is where physical exercise comes in. Running, speed walking, jumping on a trampoline are all good activities. Do what is necessary to get tired. It will do wonders for your psyche, help you sleep better, and relieve a huge amount of stress caused by unforgiveness.
4. Start being thankful for the good things growing up
If you had a difficult childhood, it is important that you search for good things to remember. Approach it as if you are on a treasure hunt. Here are some possible ideas:
- a pet that you loved
- others who showed you love such as a grandmother, aunt, or teacher
- a special childhood friend
- any special holiday that you can remember such as a birthday or Christmas
- a toy that was your escape to the imagination of a better life
- an award or special affirmation that you got in school
Also, read Scriptures about your importance to God as an abandoned, abused, or neglected child (James 1:27, Psalm 82:3, Deuteronomy 10:18, John 14:18). Jesus loved children and wanted them to come to Him. He even said that it would be better for anyone who offended a child to have a heavy stone hung around their neck and be cast into the sea (Matthew 18:6).
5. Use your imagination
When bitter childhood memories come to mind, imagine Jesus coming and replacing your parent. Picture Him picking you up gently and holding you in his arms. Tell Him your hurts and cry if you need to. Let Him stroke your hair and tell you:
- He loves you no matter what (Jeremiah 31:3, John 13:15)
- He will never abandon you (Hebrews 13:5, Deuteronomy 31:6)
- He will always be there for you (Isaiah 43:2, Matthew 28:20, Proverbs 3:15-16, 1 Peter 5:7)
6. Get to know God better
The more we know God, the easier it is to accept things that are painful. He gives us strength for the hard things. Let’s face it. The rough places in the road of life tend to wear us out. Even memories of past hardships can be stressful. But …
“They that wait for the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles.” (Isaiah 40:31)
Once eagles are in the air, it isn’t their own strength that allows them to soar. The wind currents are what causes the eagle to sail effortlessly in the air. That is what God does for us when we focus our attention on Him instead of our past pain and hurt.
7. Get professional help if needed
If steps 1- 6 do not lead you to healing and freedom, you need to get professional help. Sometimes our past pain is just too great for us to find our way out of it alone.
A gift for you as you forgive your parents
You must choose to forgive your parents. It is an action, not a feeling. With that in mind, I want to give you the following Scripture card that you can download. No email required.
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