I hear single people say, “Will I ever find love again?”
What they really are saying is, “Will I Find the right person because the last one or two or five didn’t work out and my heart has been broken.”
Finding true love, finding real love is simply chasing the wind if we don’t know what we should be looking for. (1)
Hundreds of people could be potential partners, but few of them will qualify as a soul mate, “a person who completely understands you and is perfectly suited to be in a loving relationship with you.” (2)
Does that sound depressing? Don’t despair. You are in the right place.
Come along and let’s talk about the mistakes people make and reasons for failure in finding love.
Fairy tale mistakes in finding true love
Who doesn’t like a good love story? Our theaters, storybooks, and culture are full of “And they lived happily ever after.”
If you haven’t fallen prey to this lie you are lucky. It is so easy to get swept up in the whirlwind of romance.
A relationship built solely on romantic love is often a dysfunctional relationship. Each person is likely in it for their own needs. One or both partners become takers and not givers.
In real life, it usually is not a lasting relationship. But it does make a good story. And it is how we wish life would be.
Signs of true love are more than romance and passion. Your future partner needs to love you for who you are, not what you can give. Anything less is disrespectful.
A fairy tale approach to your love life and finding the right person usually does not result in a long-term relationship.
Red flag mistakes in finding true love
They say that love is blind and that is why it is so important to watch for red flags that something is not right.
Stop signs are red for a reason. It is a color that frequently and universally represents danger.
Would you run a stop sign purposely if you knew that you or your passenger could be harmed or even killed? Of course not!
But women frequently run relationship stop signs that they should pay attention to. It should set off an alarm that this is NOT the right person. In fact, it probably is the wrong person.
So what are some of those red flags?
- Talking about marriage almost immediately
- His dating profile seems too good to be true or is very sketchy
- He believes he is the victim of all his past relationships
- Been divorced multiple times
- Financially unstable
- His divorce is not final
- Addictive behaviors such as excessive alcohol consumption
- Being rude to business employees
- Extreme anger at an ex
- History of cheating
- Jealous of your other friends
- Giving you false flattery and lots of gifts early in the realationship
- Thinks he is right about everything
- Gets angry when he has to wait
- Trys to manipulate you
- Extreme emotional highs and lows (4)
People pleasing in finding true love
People pleasing is the wrong way to find true love.
At the core is the fear of rejection and disapproval. And if this is your mindset, you are going to attract the wrong people.
Be careful when you are on online dating apps. There is a lot of “people pleasing going on there.” There often is little truth and a lot of putting your best foot forward to impress and attract.
Even a Christian online dating site is not free from wolves in sheep’s clothing. You can’t count on finding like-minded people there.
Don’t get me wrong. There are some genuine people on Christian online dating apps, but there are imposters there too who know the right things to say to get accepted in these groups.
A strong need to please others will cause you to do things you will regret at some point in time. Furthermore, it rarely leads to finding the love of your life or a healthy relationship.
Furthermore, a lot of people pleasers who think they are best friends will at some point become at odds with each other. They are unable to talk about what bothers them and end up being resentful.
If you are a people pleaser, there often are some unresolved hurts from the past that need to be unpacked. It is better to work through those things before dating.
Desperate to find true love
Being desperate for love is an extreme of people pleasing. If this describes you, it will not help you find deep love. It will lead you to one disaster after another.
Desperation blinds us to all the warnings that there is no mutual respect. Many desperate women end up in abusive relationships. Some end up dead.
This is not the time in your life to go on blind dates, look for partners on dating apps, or be dating at all.
Desperation is a sign that you need some help from a professional counselor.
Lies we begin to believe in trying to find true love
So has all of this been depressing so far? I have some good news for you! But first, let me tell you the bad news.
All people will at times let you down because they can’t give you unconditional love, the kind your heart longs for. No person will be a “perfect match” like the online dating apps tell you.
I wish it weren’t so easy to believe lies when one or more relationship doesn’t work out. But our enemy will whisper those lies and we accept them like a fish biting at bait on a hook.
Lie number one
Being betrayed, abandoned, or disrespected is hard. Your enemy will take advantage of it and tell you, “You are not worthy of love.”
Don’t get hooked on this lie. It is far from the truth. The Bible tells us that our value and worth are determined by God, not by the approval of people.
The question is, will we believe the truth or lies?
Lie number two
This lie is usually the result of lie number one. You begin to think of ways to “earn” love.
You may think, “Sex is my ticket to being loved and valued.” Unfortunately, most men will treat you with less respect when you sleep with them.
Lie number three
We believe this lie because we long to be loved, adored, and cherished.
You may think, “I can’t be happy unless I am in a romantic relationship.”
I know this is what our culture believes, but it is a lie. Romance is only a temporary fix, like drugs. Each failed relationship just digs a deeper pit for feelings of despair and heartbreak.
Signs of true love
The Bible tells us what true love looks like, as well as counterfeit love.
You are worthy of love. So what should you be looking for? What kind of person demonstrates love? It is someone who:
- is patient
- is kind
- is faithful to the relationship
- is gentle
- is self-controlled (3)
Because we are all imperfect, there is no one who always acts this way. But there are people who display these characteristics more than others.
When I am around people like this I have a great sense of value and worth. I never feel like I am walking on eggshells trying to maintain peace. I feel safe and comfortable with them.
People who act this way make great friends. They have healed from their past experiences. They are not threatened by new people and new experiences. They will step out of their comfort zone to encourage you. They truly are the most capable of a loving relationship.
In contrast, there are people who are:
- envious
- boastful and arrogant
- self-centered
- insistent that things be their way
- rude
- won’t let you forget what you have done wrong
- easily irritated and angered
- have unrealistic expectations of others (4)
I am sure you know the people that this list describes. This is not love.
The real knight in shining armor – finding God’s love
The first step in finding true love starts with God.
A relationship with Him is the only one where you will never get your heart broken.
God created us for interaction with Him first. When that happens, we are better able to deal with imperfect people who can’t give us unconditional love.
The more time we spend in the presence of God, the less our pain in trying to find true love. In fact, we can fall deeply in love with Jesus and become the best version of ourselves.
People will still hurt us, but we can recover much quicker knowing the most important relationship is spiritual
If you don’t know Jesus, you probably have questions. The people at Chat About Jesus have answers. You can text, call, or chat with them online any time of the day or night.
If your heart has been broken in the search for true love, this coloring collection is a good reminder that Jesus is the lover of your soul and will heal your broken heart.
You can access it by hovering over the image. The link is there.
You might also like to read:
- Christian dating after divorce
- Best Powerful Prayers For Single Women
- Conquer your feelings about being single on Valentine’s Day
- Trusting God in singleness
- Feeling alone on the holidays – ways to cope
- Conquering loneliness in a “happily ever after culture”
- Lies women believe about sex and marriage
References:
- Urban Dictionary – chasing the wind is an activity that has no meaning or purpose.
- Britannica Dictionary
- Galatians 5:22-23
- 1 Corinthians 13:1-7
- Christian dating after divorce